Everything I do on a daily basis is for the benefit of someone else. I’m even thinking about others when I go to the gym. I’m hoping my body will impress my friends on Instagram, or that a random guy will think I’m good looking. The gym is somewhere and something you do to be healthy FOR YOURSELF. How have I turned it into something for everyone else to benefit? Because, I’m a people pleaser. Constantly making sure everyone around me is happy before I am is exhausting, but it has become such second nature I don’t realize I am doing it. I have even found myself apologizing for things others have done, in order to make sure they’re still happy and love me. I excuse people in my life for their behaviors, because I know deep down they had to be coming from a good place, and they wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. But, the unfortunate truth is that people do hurt others on purpose. They say what they want to say, and don’t think twice about it because they aren’t trying to please anyone but themselves. I let people walk all over me, which is weird for me because I have always been known for standing up for myself. I mean, I am 5ft 9in so standing up for me is expected. You cannot be a coward and tall. I try to make the best out of every situation because I never want to see someone I care about sad, upset or angry, especially towards me. But what I have recently learned is that I cannot please everyone as much as I want to. Some people do not want to be pleased, they don’t want my help, and they do not want my gifts and love. It is so hard for me to even wrap my head around because I want nothing more than to have someone treat me the way I try to treat everyone in my life. And, I hope people aren’t reading this thinking, “Geez, Alex. Way to toot your own horn and think no one appreciates it”. Because I know I have so many people in my life who do appreciate me, but I also think I go a little overboard on making sure everyone is well taken care of, before taking care of me. I have suffered mentally and physically due to me bending over backwards to please people. Sometimes I feel like maybe it’s easier to take care of others because I don’t want to face what’s going on in my life. I don’t want to take a good hard look at what’s happening around me. One of my brilliant ways of dealing with stuff, is to not. I pretend it didn’t happen and let something else preoccupy my time, which is usually someone else. I feel like I am constantly trying to fix everyone and everything around me before I am able to repair the broken parts on myself. If being a people pleaser is so draining, why do I do it? Because I would rather make sure everyone around me is having the best possible life, time, day, and week before it comes to me, because nothing pleases me more than knowing I was a reason for someone smiling that day.
Life seems to be slamming a lot of doors in my face lately. I feel like every door I walk through I feel an imaginary hand grab my arm and pull me backwards. Before I realize what is going on, the door I was trying to get into is being shut. I believe in good and bad karma, belief that what you put into this world is what you will get back. I say God Bless you to a stranger when they sneeze, tell people when they have dropped money or important things on the ground and even greater acts like praying to my Lord and Savior. Unfortunately lately, all of those good acts of karma I nonchalantly do on a daily basis do not seem to be winning me any extra good luck in my life. It can be very discouraging to constantly stick your neck out and hope to find the best in someone and be let down. When you think about it almost everything we need to survive is in the hands of someone else, hoping they won’t kill us on the way. For example, getting in the car and driving the grocery store. We put our seat belts on and look both ways before turning and trusting that all other cars around us are doing the same. We trust and hope that everyone around will bless us when we sneeze, and to let us know if we dropped our $20 on the sidewalk. It’s when it starts to get to the bigger things in life where the true acts of kindness are shown. How can we expect someone to do something for us just because we are putting out good vibes into the world? Are we really ‘good people’ because we say God Bless you and tell someone they dropped their ID? I would think with the amount of good and laughter I try to spread, the disgusting amount of love I give to friends, family, boyfriends and even animals is enough. But, news flash Alex… it’s not. The universe has a way of making you continue to do those good things so you’ll keep a hold of that hope that in return the universe will bless you with an open door. Whether it’s a job you’ve been dreaming of, finally finding the boy/girl you’ve been waiting for, winning the lottery, or even waking up on the right side of the bed. We expect and think we deserve the best. That’s a great way to think, but from my perspective lately it’s the wrong way to think. Doors are being slammed in my face left and right. I seem to be kicked when I’m down and asking the universe what the hell did I do to deserve this? Was it because I forgot to bless that old woman at Target yesterday? (There was a woman I forgot to bless and I felt very terrible about it) But it must be. It has to be because we have upset the universe. I can’t bring myself to believe that what we get is based off of luck. I understand a lot of hard work goes into jobs, building a life, a family etc. but it also must have to do with what we put out. These doors of life are getting in my way, and I have decided not to let them continue being slammed on me and being told no, but to kick the damn door down and tell them God Bless You.